ATTN: PHILADELPHIANS

Ok, listen up philly: you people need to get the hell out of my way. When I walk to work in the morning, I don’t particularly enjoy having to walk behind your slow, bloated ass.

All I ask, at the very least, is that you either A.) start treating walking like you would driving a car, but since you probably have never driven a car before, then B.) get out of the way if you’re not going to proceed more quickly.

I have no prejudice against walking slow. Quite the contrary, actually: I find it pleasurable and relaxing to take a leisurely stroll through the streets of this fair city, and Meg and I do it fairly often.

However, when we walk, we try to be aware of the people around us, and especially to ensure that we don’t get in the way of people that are walking faster than us, that probably have someplace they need to be.

So, in conclusion, I’m vowing on this space to NEVER get out of your way. Sure, it may be a giant karmic backfire, but if you’ve seen me walking in a straight line for more than 50 feet, don’t expect me to get out of your way if you’re walking side by side with your seven friends and taking up the whole sidewalk.

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