You’re wrong, so shut the hell up.

All of these things offended my sensibilities today between the hours of 8:30am and 3pm.

In no particular order:

  • It’s “Sansom” street, not “Samson.” You should see a doctor about your dyslexia. This is even more a grievous offense if you actually live on or near Sansom street.
  • There is no letter “S” in the name WaWa. It is not “WaWa’s.”
  • It’s “DiBruno” brothers, not “Del Bruno” brothers. You were trying to sound glamorous and cool, but instead you mispronounced the name of the place where you got your fancy rolls. You instantly lacked any glamor.
  • It’s “Et Cetera” [ET-set-ur-ah], and not “Eccetera” [ECK-set-ur-ah] – yes, I know you probably don’t speak Latin, but it’s a dead language and this isn’t changing, so learn to pronounce it correctly.
  • Use i.e. and e.g. at the right times, and not in place of each other. In writing to someone that knows what these actually mean, you’d only be showing your ignorance. There used to be a really great wikipedia article on this, but I can’t find it, so I’ll break it down for you: e.g. is an abbreviation of the Latin phrase “Exempli Gratia” meaning “for example.” An easy way to remember this is “Example Given.” And i.e. on the other hand, is Latin for “id est” meaning “that is” – this is basically used when you need to provide a re-wording or further clarification.
  • Don’t try and sound British if you’re not. Don’t say “literally” as if it only has 3 syllables; it has 4. “Litrally” is not a word so stop saying it. When you make a distinction between figurative and literal, you probably don’t say “litrall.”
  • I’m sorry, I know this will make me sound like a jerk: but don’t expect me to take you seriously if you speak with a southern accent, whether real or fake. For that matter, why would anyone willingly use a southern accent in a professional context when they’re from, say, Rhode Island? The only answer I can come up with is that they’ve perhaps watched one too many of Larry the Cable Guy’s stand-up acts. How is that guy still on TV?

I’m allowed to be bitchy about these things because when I was a kid, I was extremely hard of hearing. I used to take hearing tests on a regular basis. When I was in the booth, they would say words through a set of headphones that I had to repeat. One of the words was “Cupcake” which I would always pronounce as “Pupcake,” because, well, I was partially deaf and I was a kid and didn’t know that there was no such thing as a pupcake.

In any case, if I can be corrected, then so can you. Fix yourself.

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