Monthly Archive for May, 2009

Just Let it Go, Man.

For those of you that know me, that really know me, you’re probably aware that I have a little trouble “letting things go.”

Sometimes, when I get a project in my head, it’s almost like it has a life of it’s own, and I’m merely the vessel by which it achieves life. I can’t sleep. I’m taken over. My brain literally will not shut off. Right now, in no particular order: unpack the multitude of boxes in our new house, work on a data management application I’ve been tinkering with, study up on some benchmarking information for my day-job, upgrade the linux machine in the living room to ubuntu 9.04, research prices for some hardware I’ve been eyeing, I have an idea for a photo essay but I need willing participants, pay the last month of rent on the old apartment, clean out my various inboxes, try to catch up on some client deliverables that are WAY overdue… just to name a few things I’m “working on.”

This is all fine for things that have a productive outcome. If anything, the quality of not being able to let something go makes me better at solving problems, or finding a better solution. More efficient solutions, I guess. BUT, it’s not fine in other ways.

I frequently have conversations in my head with people that I haven’t talked to in years. Decades, even. I yell at them for treating me badly. I endlessly revise things that I should have said. I deconstruct all the actions I should have taken to promote a more palatable turn of events. I perfect one liners the likes of which you have probably never heard. In my head, I tell people how I really feel about them, or about what they did. About what they’re doing.

I’ll ask Meg the same question forty times in a two day period. I’ll talk to her about the same topic so much, that I eventually am just saying the exact same things over and over.

I obsessively check FedEx/UPS/USPS/Airborne package tracking pages until the box is in my hands. I read wikipedia articles over and over until I have nearly memorized the content. I know the endings to a lot of movies that I’ve never seen.

I didn’t used to be like this; at least, I don’t think I was. I have a vague recollection of being a pretty laid back person in high school. When did I get so crazy? After all, when you let something go, you can grab onto something else, right?